2) Editing exercise — ‘you-viewpoint’

USING “YOU-VIEWPOINT” AND READER BENEFITS

FOCUS ON “YOU” INSTEAD OF “I” AND “WE”

Your receivers are more concerned about themselves than about you or the company you represent. They are more likely to read your message when they see their name and the pronoun “you” rather than “I,” “we” or “us.”

Usually, it is best to place your reader in the first paragraph. (Exceptions are presented later in this section.) If psychologically desirable, begin with “you” or “your,” and keep your reader in the message (tactfully) until you finish.

The opposite of “you-viewpoint” is “we-viewpoint,” in which the writer views every matter from his or her own (or the organization’s) standpoint rather than from the reader’s:

We-viewpoint vs. you-viewpoint

I want to send my congratulations …

Congratulations to you on winning …

We will ship the goods by May 8.

You should soon receive the window screens you ordered.

We pay 2 percent interest on savings accounts.

You earn 2 percent interest on savings accounts.

A letter will probably have better you-viewpoint when it contains more “you’s” than “we’s” or “I’s.”

Letter with we-viewpoint (note how many times “we” and “us” are used)
I want to take this opportunity to express my thanks for the account you recently opened at our store. We are pleased to furnish a wide variety of products for the home.

We want you to take full advantage of our store services, for we have the largest stock in the city. Also, we deliver our customers’ purchases free of charge within 30 miles of our store.

We welcome you to Naperson’s. If we can be of additional service, please call on us.

Letter with you-viewpoint (note the use of “you”)
Thank you for the account you recently opened at Naperson’s. Satisfying your needs for clothing and home furnishings is a great pleasure.

You can satisfy all of your shopping needs when you visit any of Naperson’s 32 well-stocked departments. Ready to assist you in selecting the merchandise that best meets your requirements are courteous, skilled sales clerks.

If you prefer to shop within the comfort of your home instead of visiting the store, you need only telephone (561) 555-8823. A personal shopper will gladly take your order for any number of items, answer your questions about brands and sizes available, and see that your goods arrive within a few days.

When you shop at Naperson’s, please use the free customer parking just across the street.

You are always welcome at Naperson’s. Please visit whenever you need clothing or home furnishings.

Exceptions to using you-viewpoint

In two kinds of situations, it is best not to use “you” often.

1) When the reader has made a mistake

Poor: You failed to enclose your check with the payment slip.
Better: The envelope we received did not contain a check.

Poor: Your contract clearly states that …
Better: I will be happy to clarify the contract’s terms.

2) When the reader has expressed an opinion different from your own

Poor: Your proposal is wrong.
Better: Your proposal has three aspects that differ somewhat from what the rest of us consider viable options.

SHOW YOUR AUDIENCE/READER THE BENEFITS

Whenever possible and true (don’t lie or exaggerate), show how your readers will
benefit from whatever the message asks or announces. They will be more likely to react favorably and do what you suggest if you show that benefits are worth the effort and cost. In situations where actual direct reader benefit is impossible or irrelevant to the subject matter, the message should at least show interest in, and concern for, the reader’s needs or viewpoint.

Even a simple request gets better response when a reader-benefit plug accompanies it.

For example, an insurance company that wanted to update its address files sent to half its policyholders a double postcard with this message:

Because we have not written you in some time, please help us bring our records up to date by filling in and returning the other half of this card.

Only 3 percent of these cards came back. To the remaining half of its policyholders, the firm sent the same request–reworded to show reader benefit:

So that dividend checks, premium notices, and other messages of importance reach you promptly, please fill out and return the other half of this card.

This request brought 90 percent of the cards back in a few days!

Merely inserting the word “you” does not ensure you-viewpoint, as shown in this sentence:

You will be glad to know that we now have a Walk-Up Window open 7-9 a.m. and 3-8 p.m. every weekday.

Some readers may wonder, “So what?” The revised sentence includes reader benefit:

You can now take care of your banking needs also at our new Walk-Up Window. It is open with a capable teller to serve you 7-9 a.m. and 3-8 p.m. Monday through Friday.

Reader-benefit appeals help collect payments on bills, soften the blow in a turndown, and sell products. Though your company is in business to make a profit, you omit that selfish-sounding idea; the reader assumes it anyway and is motivated only by what benefits he or she receives. Reader-benefit appeals are desirable also in job applications, favor requests, and announcements to your customers, prospective buyers, stockholders, and employees. Whether you are writing to one person or to large numbers, try to personalize the reader benefits (as in letter 2) instead of stating them in a general way (“our customers,” as in letter 1).

If your organization provides employee benefits–such as health insurance and various retirement plans–management should make every effort to assure that all employees understand and appreciate those benefits. Many may be unaware that their employer spends more than one-third of the total payroll on employee benefits. To inform employees effectively, management can use such media as memos, employee manuals, bulletins, policy statements, company magazines, newssheets, reports, posters, films, and notes in pay envelopes.

Exercises

Change the following sentences so that they emphasize you-viewpoint instead of
we-viewpoint.

a. We allow 2 percent discount for cash payments.

b. This is just the kind of job I am looking for, since it offers me a chance to get practical experience that will help me open my own firm.

c. We value your patronage, for satisfied customers are the foundation of our success.

d. Since we have our own obligations to meet, we must ask your immediate attention to your past-due account.

e. We do not send receipts, because of the extra work involved for us; of course, you have your canceled checks anyway.

f. Our pamphlet is designed to help its readers get the most out of raising beautiful roses.

g. We hope to have the pleasure of showing you what we think is the finest assortment of Italian boots in the city.

h. To help us improve our production schedule, we would appreciate your ordering two weeks in advance.

i. I wish to tell you that we are sending your new coat tomorrow.